Jesus to Men: “Marry or Cut Off Your Dick.”

This is for Whorefinder.

Within the New International Version (not my favorite), this section is entitled, “Divorce.”

Chapter 19

When Jesus had finished saying these things [about the “Kingdom of Heaven”], he left Galilee [Capernaum on the north side of the Sea of Galilee] and went into the region of Judea to the other side of the Jordan [East or West?]. Large crowds followed him, and he healed them there.

Some Pharisees [Jews] came to him to test him. They asked, “Is it lawful for a man to divorce his wife for any and every reason?” [This is the question which Jesus answers – not, “Should men who can be celibate?”]

“Haven’t you read,” he replied, “that at the beginning the Creator ‘made them male and female,’ and said, ‘For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh’? So they are no longer two, but one flesh. Therefore[,] what God has joined together, let no one separate.”

“Why then,” they [the Jews] asked, “did Moses command that a man [may] give his wife a certificate of divorce and send her away?” [Note how the Jews turn an alternative into an obligation: sneaky rats!]

Jesus replied, “Moses permitted you to divorce your wives because your hearts were hard [you were assholes]. But it was not this way from the beginning. I tell you that anyone who divorces his wife, except for [her] sexual immorality, and marries another woman commits adultery.”

Another blogger I’ve read convincingly argues that no man commits adultery – per old-testament Biblical definitions – unless he fucks a woman who’s already married (to another man – no lesbo marriage). Jesus is thus expanding the definition of adultery to include any man who divorces a woman so he can marry another. Also – and this is critical – a Jew may marry more than one woman: polygyny is not forbidden! Thus, a man who divorces a woman so that he may marry another does so to please the second wife by disregarding his obligation to his first wife. This is pussy-whipped assholery of the highest order.

The disciples said to him, “If this is the situation between a husband and wife, it is better not to marry.”

Which is to say, “If you can’t get rid of a woman once you marry her, then it’s better not to marry at all!” Now, here’s where many modern folks lose sight of cultural context because we live in an utterly poz’d society, bereft of Biblical understandings of marriage. When is a woman married? Assuming her father does not object, she is married at first fuck. Women who aren’t married at first fuck become free agents – aka prostitutes. Therefore, a man who fucks a (presumed willing) virgin must pay the bride price: Dad’s thereafter obliged to support the slut, though he can kick her out of the house (or kill her – pick your favorite interpretation of Jew Law) if she can’t find a man to wife the sloppy seconds and yet keeps to a slut lifestyle. So, what the disciples are saying, in context, is, “If you can’t get rid of a woman once you fuck her, it’s better to never fuck.” Now, let’s see what Jesus has to say about what you say is “celibacy,” but isn’t.

Jesus replied, “Not everyone can accept this word [standard], but only those to whom it has been given. For there are eunuchs [dickless] who were born that way, and there are eunuchs [dickless] who have been made eunuchs [dickless] by others—and there are those who choose to live like [like???? – bad translator!!] eunuchs [dickless] for the sake of the kingdom of heaven. The one who can accept this [dicklessness] should accept it.”

Personally, I think the above paragraph suffers from poz’d translation, so let’s return to the unpoz’d King James Version for better imagery. You may want to cross your legs now.

For there are some eunuchs [dickless], which were so born from their mother’s womb [this does not refer to gays; here Jesus says, “eunuch,” which means dickless and nothing less radical]: and there are some eunuchs [dickless], which were made eunuchs [dickless] of [by] men: and there be eunuchs [dickless], which have made themselves eunuchs [dickless] for the kingdom of heaven’s sake. He that is able to receive it, let him receive it.

If you want to never marry, cut off your dick.

In summary, the Jews’ question was, “Is it true we can divorce a woman for any reason?” Jesus answer was, “Sure, if you’re an asshole, you can act like an asshole, and everybody will know it, and you’ll be an adulterer, because your wife hasn’t committed adultery, and adultery is the only justification for divorce.” His disciples say (tricky bastards), “Well, if that’s the case, we’ll just not get married!” To this, Jesus replies, “Fine, smartass, cut off your dick.”

Jesus is not advocating for celibacy, he’s advocating for lifelong marriage by defining the ONLY alternative as dicklessness for men in the Kingdom of Heaven.

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