The Patriarchy hears your protest against the restriction of fashionable women’s garments. Your right to wear as much or as little of whatever textile or alternative cover you choose is hereby recognized. Be advised that certain responsibilities accrue.
[The following list is my own. It is not transcribed or compiled. Do not use without permission.]
1. A woman dressed such that her physical beauty cannot be assessed will not be admired for her beauty. Do not expect compliments regarding the unseen and unobserved.
2. We prefer all women be nude, especially the ugly ones. Cosmetics are not excepted. Your beauty, or lack thereof, makes surprisingly little difference to us with regard to long-term commitment. How else are there still so many of you who are ugly? If you look in the mirror and despair, have hope. Your mother can’t possibly be that pretty, and somehow she managed you.
3. Allure may be a tempting mode. Do not be fooled: we see this as an invitation to remove your clothing. Why else show us any skin?
4. Bright colors may attract us, but shiny things lose their appeal if substantial maintenance is required. If we need to baby something, we purchase classic machines. Be practical and inexpensive. We respond to bargains.
5. We know you evaluate us based on income, capital, and potential; be not surprised if we conceal these when evaluating your potential loyalty. The most disappointing deadbeat may be worth millions if you play smart.
6. Show us your tits. Really.
7. Shave. We see plenty of hair already in the mirror. We don’t care if it’s unnatural. So are cosmetics, and you use those when it suits you.
8. You aren’t full-figured, you’re fat. We do evaluate you according to whether you can jog alongside us. That’s more likely if you’re height-weight proportionate.
9. Leave the hat or scarf at home. We are not impressed.
10. If you wear a “fuck-me” dress, do not be surprised if we invite you to fuck.
11. You may dress to impress one another. As a result, we may ignore you. Do not complain that you are ignored by us. See #10.
12. It is possible to engage us regardless of your attire. Please don’t be stupid. We already have enough of such among ourselves. If you are stupid, or do not wish to talk, see #10.
13. Some of us are loyal. If you are intent on overcoming such loyalty, don’t “skirt” the issue: that’s dishonorable. Sort it out among yourselves. Most of us are available to all comers provided you don’t expect one of us to pay for the pleasure of another.
14. Unbutton one more button than is comfortable. Do this also with your blouse.
15. We want to touch you. Do not be so delicately clothed that touching is prohibited. You will be ignored.
16. Bare shoulders is easy to accomplish. Do that more.
17. Crotchless panties are wasteful. Go commando.
18. Modest dress is deceitful. We know you want us. Show it.
19. Only the envious among you enforce modest dress. We are not to blame. We barely comprehend the motivation behind bras. Padded bras confound us.
20. Don’t bother dressing young. We’re looking for the limbal ring in your eyes to gauge your age. Dress your attitude. See #10.
21. To our mothers: don’t ask us to judge your clothing. You don’t want our honest opinion, whatever it is. Think about it.
22. We use that public speaking trick whenever you join us clothed. It works. We feel much less intimidated.
23. Yes, you look fat in that. What are we? Blind?
24. Yes, we look fat in this. We know. That’s why we never ask your opinion.
25. You don’t care how we “look” except when you need to impress yourselves.
26. We don’t care how we “look”except when we need to impress you. After you see our financial statements, you don’t care, either.
27. Don’t dictate our clothing choices after co-opting ours. It took centuries to develop slacks and pants from primitive garments without crotches. The zipper is a magnificent feat of engineering for pissing with pants up. Go find your own solution to squatting and let us enjoy ours in peace.
28. If you wish to walk about topless, please don’t stop on our account. Don’t complain if we stare at your tits when you do. Wouldn’t you find the alternative disheartening? See #19.
29. Heels are a mixed blessing. Heels make you taller, which intimidates the weak and small among us. The strong and tall among us commend this effort for reducing competition and favorably displaying your ass.
30. If it clings to you when wet, it is a good choice.